I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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