My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
