I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
