I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
