his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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