I think I died a long time ago.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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