Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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