Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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