this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.