Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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