I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why are your pants in the freezer?