I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!