Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize