so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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