Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
