The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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