So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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