If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
