yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
