It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
