sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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