Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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