Porn is love you can see.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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