he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
