Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
