My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
