He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
