my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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