Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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