Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
