You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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