Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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