He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
