someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
