Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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