My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
