Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
