I am puke
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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