you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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