And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize