In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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