Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
