I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
