I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
