I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
