My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
