I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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