my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
