On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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