You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
