I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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