my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
