I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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