I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
