you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
