Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
