My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
