There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
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There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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